Book Review: ScreamFree Parenting

I am a screamer. It is not in line with my parenting philosophy, but part of my nature, or at least it is what I have always done. It doesn't work to solve or resolve the situation, just releases tension for me. As part of my spending reform process, I am trying to use the library instead of Amazon.com. After a particularly frustrating day, Ian and I went to the parenting section of the library and I found ScreamFree Parenting by Hal Runkel, MS, LMFT. . Although, putting "scream free" together as one word with a trademark," ScreamFree", annoys me, I try not to get wrapped up in details like that. The book has a lot of good information, that, like a lot of things that make sense, just clicks. Some of the main points of the book:

1. Emotional reactivity is our worst enemy when it comes to having relationships. I am emotionally reactive.

2. We are responsible TO our children, not FOR our children. They will make different choices than we want them to make and we have to let go over our stake in those choices. I have this one down. I think a lot of parents today need to hear these messages. When I hear of parents writing the college application essays for their kids or riding them to get them turned in, I think, "If they aren't ready to do the application, they aren't ready. I don't think you should allow a kid to stay on your couch rent free and play video games, but a kid should not be forced to do something they aren't ready for, because in the end, most kids like that will fail out or not do as well as they could or end up having to go back later because they figured out what they really want to do. I know countless examples of smart, but unmotivated kids who went to work after high school, instead of college. A year of the kind of job a highschool education will get you is enough to internally motivate most people. And if it doesn't, you have to respect their choice and realize they are saving you money by not going to school. I'm sure this is very hard for parents. Even though, I fully believe what I just wrote, I know some of Ian's choices will be hard for me,

3. The only way to regain a position of influence with our children is to maintain a position of control over ourselves.
Old school parenting types seem to think that without screaming and spanking you are letting the child have everything without discipline. But, discipline means "to teach" and you aren't teaching the right things when you scream or spank. It is just a release of emotional energy for the parents. It teaches the child not to trust you, to fear you and maybe it works temporarily to suppress them, but eventually, everyone rebels.

4. I am responsible to my child for MY behavior regardless of how he behaves. I need to repeat this as a mantra. I really blew it today on this one, but more on that later.

5. Focus on you, because you are the only one you can control. It really is an illusion to think you can control another person. There is always a cost when you try.

6. Your emotional responses are up to you, you always have a choice.

7. To be "in charge" as a parent means inspiring your children to motivate themselves.

He gives some strategies for effective communication/discipline:

1. Rarely look your kids in the eye when talking to them, especially on sensitive issues because kids feel freer and safer to talk. My mother always said that my brothers talked to her the most in the car while she was driving. That was where the tough questions got asked.

2. Don't ever set a consequence that is tougher for you to enforce than for the child to endure. There are no short cuts to enforcing consequences. Choose only those consequences you are willing to endure.
Only choose consequences you are willing to endure yourself. In other words, the child needs to know you are serious by you keeping your word. If you set a consequence and then back out, you won't be taken seriously.


Our Egypt shipment was delivered today after lunch. Curt came home to help oversee things and Ian got overstimulated and wouldn't take a nap. What he did do over and over and over was touch things, especially the water dispenser. I would get one thing unpacked and then have to clean up water that he was dumping: all around the bed frame, all over the floor, everywhere. My response: scream at him,"Why are you doing this? I said no! No water! No water! No water! No water!" Of course, my screams had no effect. He would cry when I took whatever water vessel he had at the time away, but as soon as I went back to unpacking, he was back to the water. It is unrealistic to expect that much self-control from a 19 month old. The right answer is to move the water dispenser out of reach. After he finally went down for his nap (after 5:00pm), I calmed myself down enough to remember how I am trying to parent and hopefully make the correction. It is really stressful that we have tons of kitchen items and limited kitchen space. Everything needs to be washed and it is overwhelming. Curt just put his treadmill and Bowflex together only to discover that he missed a piece of the Bowflex and has to take the whole thing apart to fix it. At least the dog has finally relaxed. She gets nervous and was crying the while time the movers were here.

Back to the book, the ScreamFree principles apply to all relationships, not just parent-child. Also, "screaming" does not just mean, literally, screaming, it also means checking out. I wish the book had more real-world examples, but it is a good reminder and refocuser for the frazzled parent.